Albert's Return (Marriot Edgar) You've `eard `ow young Albert Ramsbottom At the zoo up at Blackpool one year With a stick with an `orse's `ead `andle Gave a lion a poke in the ear? The name of the lion was Wallace, The poke in the ear made `im wild And before you could say "Bob's yer uncle" E'd upped and `e'd swallowed the child. `E were sorry the moment `e done it; With children `e'd always been chums, And besides, `e'd no teeth in his muzzle, And `e couldn't chew Albert on't gums. `E could feel the lad movin' inside `im As `e lay on `is bed of dried ferns; And it might `ave been little lad's birthday- E wished `im such `appy returns. But Albert kept kickin' and fightin'- And Wallace got up, feelin' bad. Decided 'twere time that `e started To stage a comeback for the lad. Then puttin' `ead down in one corner, On `is front paws `e started to walk; And `e coughed, and `e sneezed, and `e gargled `Till Albert shot out - like a cork! Now Wallace felt better directly And `is figure once more became lean. But the only difference with Albert Was, `is face and `is `ands were quite clean. Meanwhile Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom `Ad gone back to their tea, feelin' blue. Ma said, "I feel down in the mouth, like." Pa said, "Aye, I bet Albert does, too." Said Mother, "It just goes to show yer That the future is never revealed; If I'd thowt we was goin' to lose `im, I'd `ave not `ad `is boots soled and `eeled." "Let's look on the bright side," said Father, "Wot can't be `elped must be endured; Each cloud `as a silvery lining, And we did `ave young Albert insured." A knock on the door came that moment As Father these kind words did speak. `Twas the man from Prudential - `e'd come for Their tuppence per person per week. When Father saw `oo `ad been knockin', `E laughed, and `e kept laughin` so - The man said "`Ere, wot's there to laugh at?" Pa said "You'll laugh and all when you know!" "Excuse `im for laughing," said Mother, "But really, things `appen so strange - Our Albert's been et by a lion; You've got to pay us for a change!" Said the young man from the Prudential: "Now, come, come, let's understand this- You don't mean to say that you've lost `im?" Pa said "Oh, no, we know where `e is!" When the young man `ad `eard all the details, A purse from `is pocket he drew And `e paid them with interest and bonus The sum of nine pounds, four and two. Pa `ad scarce got `is `and on the money When a face at the window they see- And Mother cried "Eee, look, it's Albert!" And Father said "Aye, it would be." Albert came in all excited, And started `is story to give; And Pa said "I'll never trust lions Again, not as long as I live." The young man from the Prudential To pick up the money began But Father said "`ere, wait a moment, Don't be in a `urry, young man." Then giving young Albert a shilling, `E said "`Ere, pop off back to the zoo; Get your stick with the `orse's `ead `andle- Go and see wot the tigers can do!" RP
Thanks to Mudcat for the Digital Tradition!