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Away With Rum (More Verses) We never touch honey, it turns into mead, And stealing from insects is the worst sort of greed Oh can you imagine a man with DTs Pursued by a swarm of mad, pink bumblebees? We never use lotion when we shave our chins Cause osmosis lets all the alcohol in Can you imagine what people will say When you're under the basin, osmosed for the day? We never eat chocolate because it has nuts And the least little bite turns a girl to a slut Oh can you imagine a sorrier mess Than a girl eating chocolate and trying to undress? We never eat peaches because they ferment And a peach will ferment with the least little dent Oh an you imagine a sorrier sight Than a man eating peaches until he gets tight? Oh we-ee have Viceroy for the ma-an who thinks (dated! 1964) And we-ee have Ban for the man who stinks But thinking and stinking they don't bother me I take care of both with Te-e-ton Tea! We don't drink Coke or Pepsi, they're made from cocaine, And you might as well shoot it right into your vein. Oh, can you imagine a sorrier bind Than rotting your teeth while blowing your mind. (1) We never drop tea, cause it comes from a pot, And that could be evil as likely as not, We don't mind the taste, but it's really bad news, To get busted for holding what Tom Lipton brews. (1) We don't step on grapes because that's making wine, And one single stomp turns a man to a swine. Can you imagine a fouler defeat, Than a man getting stonkered by licking his feet? (1) Shun girls who are witty and pretty and kind There's nothing like love for corrupting your mind. At least in -our- circle it just isn't done Our kids are adopted; we -never- have fun. (1) We don't buy any cereal because its called mush And one little bite turns a kid to a lush Oh, can you imagine the pain of a Ma To watch little Junior act just like his Pa! (2) We don't take any rub-downs, stiff muscles to cure Because alcohol turns a man to a boor O, can you imagine a sorrier fate: Than a man getting mass-aged 'till he can't stand up straight? (2) We don't allow backrubs, we think they're a crime We will always condemn them in song or in rhyme An alcohol backrub is worse than straight gin: When you think of the liquor absorbed thru your skin! (4) We don't watch television because its a sin To exhibit the body of a nude Rin-Tin-Tin And all those bad cowboys a-shooting their guns! And a-shooting again when they show the re-runs! (3) When you go out dining, you're tempted to eat All the delicacies on a menu elite Remember this warning, on wine we've a ban; Try spaghetti and meatballs and -not- coq au vin! (4) We never drink milk, that's where kumiss comes from And one tiny sip makes a Mongoloid bum! Oh, can you imagine a sadder disgrace Than a stone blind drunk Mongol with milk on his face? (5) We never touch coffee, it makes our eyes gleam At least, when they add irish whiskey and cream Oh, can you imagine a fate so unkind Than slugging down coffee, and getting stone-blind? (6) Since eggnog is evil, we never eat eggs Give way to one sin and who knows what comes neggst? There might be excuses for brandy or gin But who wants DTs on account of some hen? (6) We wish you'd avoid putting ice in your drink It harms your intestines and palate, we think And if you escape that, it still isn't nice To wake up hung over because of bad ice! (6) We never drink water, they mix it with gin Just one little sip and a man starts to grin Oh, can you imagine a sillier clunk Than a man swigging water until he's geshtunk? (6) Now if you ride railroads with bar-cars on trains You're giving the Devil the key to your brains Think of a story that's sadder to tell Than to start from Grand Central and wind up in Hell! (7) We never eat jelly, they make it with wine And one little bite turns a man to a swine Can't you envision, in Hell he will roast, That teen-ager drunk on his jelly and toast! (8) We never use mouthwash, we know very well That those who taste alcohol go straight to Hell Oh, can you imagine a sorrier scene Than a man down in Hell 'cause he used Listerine? (8) We never eat choc'late, 'cause its just like sex The endorphins will make you a moral wreck You'll finish the bag-full, all covered with sweat.... And then you just -gotta- have a cigarette! (5) We don't read Science-Fiction, 'cause its too complex And Heinlein and Farmer just talk about sex! That Lazarus Long is a Dirty Old Man He's a Bad Example to set for a Fan! (5) We never drink tea, for they mix it with wine And one little drink turns a man to a swine Oh can you imagine a sorrier sight Than a man drinking tea, and singing all night? (0) We never use money, 'cause that's gam-bol-in' And that, my good friends, is surely a SIN Our life may be simple, it's surely a bore But what else can you do when you tend to be poor? (0) We never sing folk (filk) songs, they're evil and crude They celebrate Sin, and their language is lewd The language is shocking, the politics vile And their grammar and rhetoric ain't got no style! (6) When you meet a folk (filk) singer, you haven't much choice But to sit there and listen while they prove they have no voice And the shockingest thing to imagine by far Is a girl with a G-string....upon her guitar! (3) We don't listen to filk songs, it isn't our dish We don't like Bob Kanefski, and -hate- Leslie Fish! We know all the filkers will wind up in Hell And besides, all them filksongs have a real Fish-y smell! (5) We don't listen to Rock, 'cause it's Satan's own vice And the people who sing it are not very nice Oh can you imagine, it fills us with dread Me and the Bangles all sharing a bed! //YEAH!// (5) We don't mess with computers, they're the Devil's own thing And one little byte puts your mind in a sling! Oh can you imagine a sorrier sight Than a computer-nerd taking byte after byte! (5) We don't play medieval, we think it's a cult They wear funny clothing; they're quite difficult. Oh can you imagine a worse thing to say Than to say you're a member of the SCA? (5) So drinking and eating and loving you see, Are bound to destroy Spi-ri-tu-al-i-ty. Our tastes are austere and our virtue is sure. We don't have much fun, but our honor is pure. (1) We're coming, we're coming, our brave little band On the right side of Temperance we do take our stand We masturbate daily because we do think That once you start screwing, you're likely to drink! (9) Known source credits: Stephen Whitis, Devera and Martin Marcus, Julius Kogan, Pat Herson, Joe Bethancourt, Dick Eney, Mark Glasser, Paula Smith, Jim Landau SEVERAL
Thanks to Mudcat for the Digital Tradition!