The Errant Apprentice When I was a young apprentice and less than compos mentis I took leave of all my senses, with a maid I fell in love Her ringlets so entwined me, Aphrodite's smile did blind me Cupid's arrow struck behind me, and her father owned a pub It was there I met my nemesis in her father's licensed premises Like the Seraphim of Genesis, sat Mary Anne Maguire Arrayed in fine apparel, astride a porter barrel She looked the kind of girl that would fill you with desire All the turtle doves were cooing as I took to my wooing Her loveliness pursuing in the springtime of that year But she thought I should be older And more gallant and much bolder In the uniform of a soldier, 'tis then she'd hold me dear In extremis and euphoria, I joined with Queen Victoria For a spell of death or gloria, a-fighting with the Boers To the wind I threw all caution, I'll return with fame and fortune And together make a portion of matrimony's chores On the gravestone of her mother, she swore she loved no other But I was to soon discover that she played me for a berk For lady-luck had beached me and intelligence had reached me Whilst I'd been overseas she had married to a Turk Well me, I then deserted for to find the girl who'd flirted Back to Ireland I reverted for my jealousy was roused In Maguire's pub in Derry, I found him making merry With his arms around my Mary as together they caroused So I took my time and waited until his thirst was sated And home he naivigated through the streets of Derry town At his lodgin's he stood knocking and whilst they were unlocking I put a stone into a stocking on his head I brought it down 'Twas then the night's serenity was rent with loud obscenity And Ottoman profanity that I couldn't understand With an oath he made to grab me, with full intent to stab me But as he tried to kebab me, I was screaming up the strand All around the town's perimeter he chased me with his scimitar A powerful passion limiter to an errant in his pride Through the waterside he chased me, to the Bridge of Foyle he raced me And at Derry Quay he faced me, so I jumped into the tide Sure, bravery's no virtue when some heathen's trying to hurt you And all noble thoughts desert you when you see his curly knife For there's many things worth trying for and occasionally worth dying for But there's bugger-all worth dying for, so I'll stick to the soldier's life TN apr97
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