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O, Save Us From Faux Pagans (Or, Observations at a Renaissance Faire) (Zoe Alexander) (Tune: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen) O, save us from faux pagans, And all the motley crew -- That hang about at festivals Concerts and bus stops too -- They dress up all in furs and chains, With tattoos showing through -- And knives, whips and axes hanging down, Dragging the ground -- And knives, whips and axes hanging down. O, save us from faux pagans, And all their groupies, who Hang out with trolls and dragons, And all the faery zoo -- Except the guys in leather, With bare cheeks showing through -- And cod-pieces larger than their heads, Larger than heads -- And cod-pieces larger than heads. O, save us from faux pagans, Their chain mail shiny new -- Stretched over hips and bosoms, With nipples showing through -- And loincloths cut way up to here -- O'er dimples, and veins blue -- And full moons where none have shone before. Never before -- And full moons where none have shown before! O, save us from faux pagans Who paint their faces blue, And speak in Scottish dialect Like Braveheart never knew -- Except the guys who wear beneath Their wee kilts here's to you -- Nothing but what auld nature did adorn, When they were born -- Nothing buut what auld nature did adorn! O, save us from faux pagans, Their bodies pierced through -- With rings and studs and diamonds Through nose and eyebrows, too -- And bumpy things stuck through their tongues, (And other places ew-w-w!) The likes of which you don't want to know, Trust me I know! There's some things you just don't want to know! O, save us from faux pagans, With athames brand new -- And crystal balls and tarot cards Hung out where all can view, And shouting incantations Known only to a few -- And daggers and pentagrams all round, Daggers abound -- And daggers and pentagrams all round. O, save us from faux pagans Except for me and you -- For ours is all in finest taste, In all we wear and do -- And never would we be mistaken For that other crew -- Well, now, maybe I'm not so sure about you -- Just look at you! No, I'm really not that sure about you. O, all you real pagans (I'm talking to you --) Take care when you go walk-about Whatever you do -- For when the interstellar taste police Go sweeping through -- They're taking them to the cosmic zoo, (Dragons too --) Gonna lock them all up in the cosmic zoo. Copyright Zoe Alexander 1996 ZA OCT98
Thanks to Mudcat for the Digital Tradition!