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Railroad Bill and the Kitten (Andy Breckman) Railroad Bill was a hard livin' man He used to take his women two at a time Everyone agreed he was the baddest engineer That'd ever driven down the Santa Fe line His name was known from the folks back home To the tippy-top of telegraph hill And all the little boys, when they were sneakin' cigarettes They used to dream about the Railroad Bill [SPOKEN: Stay with me here One day Bill was walkin' along And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder To set that kitty-cat free And Bill said, "No, ain't gonna do it Ain't gonna climb up no tree This is a stupid, stupid song and no folksinger's Gonna make a fool outa me." I said, one day Bill was walkin' along And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder To set that kitty-cat free And Bill said, "No, ain't gonna do it Ain't gonna do what you said This is an asinine song. As far as I'm concerned That cat can stay there till it's dead." I said, wait a minute, Bill, you can't argue with me For God's sake, I just made you up I got the pen in my hand, I want you up in that tree I want that cat unstuck Bill said, "No, I hate cats Ain't gonna climb for no cat." He said, "Why don't you have me save some beautiful girl Whos's been tied down on the railroad track?" I said maybe there'll be room in the eighth or ninth verse But right now I want you up in that tree I'm the writer, God damn, I got the pen in my hand And you're supposed to listen to me He said, "You asshole. Why should I listen to you You should be listenin' to me instead." He said, "I'm a railroad man and if I was real I would separate your face from your head." You ungrateful brute, I cried, you push me too far I gotta show you I can do as I please So an earthquake came and it shook the whole terrain And it brought Railroad Bill to his knees And then a tidal wave broke and everything got soaked And Bill was almost completely washed away And then a big green monster from the planet Neptune Landed and bit Railroad Bill on the leg I got the pen in my hand. I can do what I want I'm a bright new young talent on the rise So get your ass up that tree or I swear you ain't Gonna get outa my folksong alive He said, "You don't scare me. You might be crazy but you don't scare me And if you don't leave me alone I'm gonna tell everybody Where you stole this melody." But before he could speak his tongue fell out And he could not make a sound Suddenly he jumped on top of me and he grabbed me by the neck And he pulled me to the ground And he hit me in the stomach, and he hit me in the face real hard And I think he almost broke my nose But just then a lightning bolt came outa nowhere, hit him right between the eyes And killed him instantly [Heh, heh Well the cat came down from the tree Had a bowl of warm milk, went to sleep for the night Railroad Bill is survived by a wife and three small children Dear God, I love to write Copyright Andy Breckman RPf
Thanks to Mudcat for the Digital Tradition!