Sellotape Pipers (Margaret Stoddart) Note: **Sellotape is the Scottish word for "Scotch Tape". Wherever pipers gather They will argue by the hour On the merits of a Hardie, A Sinclair or Kilgour. They will criticize reeds, drones, and bags Of every size and shape, But this time we're going to criticize The use of sellotape. Now, don't bother to deny it! You really must admit That inside every pipe box It's a part of standard kit. All other musicians can Only stand and gape When the piper sets to work With his wee roll of tape. One well-known clarinetist often Tells this tale with awe About one of the strangest Sights he ever saw -- A piper playing merrily To set his feet a'tapping With his chanter very obviously Still inside a wrapping. MacDonald's friends were sympathetic, He had not played well. "Man, Donnie," said MacAllistair, "Your F was all to hell." "I know! I know!" MacDonald cried, and I could have gone to town, But I had to give my wife my tape; Her breeks were coming down." And then there was the Irishman Stood on the boards one day, While judges waited patiently For him to start to play. "Yer Honours! I apologize, But I think I'm out of luck. I've put my tape on inside out And both me hands are stuck." And what of the composer Of a most unusual reel? For dealing with a sharp or flat He really had no feel, But fame came unexpectedly When practicing "Duntroon," By the time he'd taped up all the holes, He'd made a brand-new tune. A piping judge was murdered In revenge for wounded pride; He was bound and he was gagged and He was thrown into the Clyde. But the poor demented murderer Had no chance of escape The detective played for Strathclyde Police And recognized the tape. So pipers tell the bagpipe trade That from now on expect That when you buy an instrument Its pitch should be correct. Why should your lovely music Depend for its control On that ever winding, ever binding, Sticky little roll? BR
Thanks to Mudcat for the Digital Tradition!